I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we're making bets on your personal life
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
