If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
