It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I am midnight drunk by noon
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
