woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
