I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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