y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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