I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
