Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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