I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
