The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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