I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
