i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
