Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
