Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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