Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
