toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
