The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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