Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
