I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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