Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
