she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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