i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We're too hungover to prance.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
