Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
