can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
