I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
