they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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