Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
