they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
