Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
