Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
