You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
