i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
