The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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