tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
