some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
