I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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