So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
