6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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