You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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