I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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