Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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