u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
