Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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