The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
