Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
