I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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