So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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