i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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