There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hippo gnu deer
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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