If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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