Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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