he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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