I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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