I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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