buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
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Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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