My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You're a waste of cheezeits
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Randomize
