I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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