I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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