wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
